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Let me live my life
as I see fit
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19th-Feb-2010 08:50 pm - Lost
the wolf
I don't know what to do any more

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30th-Jan-2010 09:34 am - PISSED
choke
So fucken pissed off, my moms back to trying to fucken control me. She has no god damn control over my life or my choices or how I feel! Im sick of her trying, she's just fucken pissing me off. I know she's reading this journal so this is the last time Im writing in here because apearently I cant have ANY THING fucken private or to myself, my mom always has to stick her nose in it. Thats why I stoped writing in an actually diary, she jsut always fucken go's thru it. I feel like Im a god damn 13 year old again! WTF I turn 20 this year and she's still being an over bearing control freak! Her stupid fucken little opinions always force me to go a way that I might NOT have chosen. Show me another Parent who does this to their kids? I dont know ANY! The other day in school we were watching a movie on a 16 year old who killed his mom, when he was describing her it was like he was describing my mom (excluding the sexual abuse he went thru.) Thats fucken pathetic isnt it. It doesnt fucken matter how I feel or what I want to do it always comes down to how this effect HER! Im so done with it! MY LIFE NOT YOURS MOM! What the Fuck are you going to do when I move out and You CANT control any of this huh?
So Im done, I cant have any fucken privacy so I gues I no longer will be writing, WHEN ITS MY ONLY FUCKEN RELEASE!!!! THANKS MOM!
the wolf
What do you want to do before you die?
Theres quite a few things i want to do.
1)Have a family
2)Quit smokeing
3)Start my career
4)Go to Irland
5th-Jan-2010 11:03 am - WOW
dieing
Wow looking back at the entries of the Andy Fe-asco I was so desperate and clingy...the sad thing is I know Im still that same person. I hate the feeling of being abandond. The fact of me keeping Julian emotionally away is very true, I dont want to fall in love with him because I know its just going to end, so far Ive done a pretty good job about that. Theres no denying that I care about him tho. If he were to leave me, it would suck, but i have NOT alowed him to enter the part of me that if he were to leave me that it would criple me.
Andy did it once, and I dont ever want to feel that destroyed again and there for I will never let another man hold that part of me again.Though what Andy did to me still hurts, even after all this time. My heart is mine to never be shared and it is already broken and brittle, tape and plaster holds it together and if I could I'd let i turn to stone. I'd let myself become the cold hearted bitch I like to pretend I am and let people think I am. But for love, its impossible to find some one to love you as much as you love them. Tristan loved me with all his heart, i loved him but not nearly as much as he loved me. I loved andy with all my heart and soul, and he didnt feel the same. So now I just dont have faith in love. I feel jelouse of those who can find it and their very lucky. I hope those who do find it can hold on to it, but for me, it just keeps slipping through my fingures no matter how much I trie so now Im done trying to find it. Maybe Ill get lucky and it'll find me. But Im not gonna count on that.
4th-Jan-2010 01:32 pm - Update?
the wolf
HAPPY NEW YEAR! Ya i know a few days late, infact i havnt written in a long ass time lol. So here I am writing. Ive been busy, So Ive been on break from school for two weeks, this is the last week, the third week of break, i go back next monday. Ive decided to start taking 5 classes a term instead of 4 so I can graduate faster, and depending on rather or not i can handle it Im gonna bumb it up to six classes. I really want to graduate and get the hell out cuz I just want to start my career and get the fuck out of papa murphies. I hate that job. My christmas was good, at least the first two were lol. I went to 3 party's, the 24th 25th and 26th. The 26th sucked, WAY TO MANY DAMN PEOPLE! LOL
Idk whats up with me but for the last few days Ive just felt...off. Yesterday was the worst I think. I was on the brink of crying several times, i kept myself from doing so tho, i was at Julians house and why i wanted to cry was well, hard to explain to him so I didnt let him know thats how i felt. I know it in my head, just how to get it out in words well it makes no sence and no one would understand it. I even know its stupid but it bothers me. Well in short, its Andy, I still miss that ass. How can I go about talking to any one? And I shouldnt miss him, i should hate him, shouldn't i?
Oh ya and now Im using Julians lab top, he gave it to me to use while he's trying to fix mine, its been acting pretty stupid as of late so he's gonna work on it cuz he's mr. comp savy! lol Its kinda weird not using my comp cuz this one doesnt have all my programs on it or my pics or any thing like that. Hopefully i get my comp back soon.
K now i got to get ready for work...ik.
28th-Nov-2009 01:00 pm - IDIOT!
the wolf
Im just a moron! AUG! So my parents have been letting me have some more freeedom cuz i bitched about how i felt like Im treated like a 13 year old and last night i totallu screwed that up. Julian and I went too a pool hall with his friend jake and it was a lot of fun, but i was out too too too late. We left the pool hall at about 2:30, than got food and went back to his house too eat, that was at about 3. I ment to go home shortly after that and well I didn't. Me and him layed down and started talking and well I fell asleep, and so did he. So i didnt get home tell almost 5! FUCK! I did not mean to do that n now my moms pisses, which is understandable. I ment to be home so much earlier than that! I hate it when my moms mad at me...this sucks
26th-Nov-2009 12:24 pm - Dear Andy
choke
What can I say to a bastard like you? You scared me, you numbed me, and you destroyed me. Im trying to move on with my life, yet your still there in the back of my mind reminding me of what we once had. When I was with you, I loved you, I loved you more than life itself, I let you become my life and cosume me. Stupid on my part, Right? Because when you let some one become your every thing when they leave you have nothing. Thats what you left me with, nothing. No not nothing, I have my life in front of me. But what you DID leave me with was a metal cage around my heart and a dull sensation of feelings. I can feel happy, i can feel mad and I can feel bored, other than that there isnt any thing. I never feel disapointed, because I dont look forword to any thing, the thought of love sickens me now, and I refuse to let myself feel sad. But I do have some one who makes me happy and I do have some one always there for me. My mother will always be there for me and Im thankfull every day when you left me she was there to keep me up. I have Julian, who makes me laugh, and makes me happy and keeps my mind off of you. Part of me will always love you Andy, and you will always keep nagging at the back of my mind but if you every came back to me I will kick you down as you did me. You made your promices and than you broke them. You prooved your word means nothing, and your no better than the other jerks Ive met. You told me once I would never have to worry about loosing you or you hurting me and I believed you. Now Julian says the same things to me and I have to keep myself from rolling my eyes at him. This is just how it is. Im done falling in love, I never want too feel that alone again. You were my every thing and I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life.
24th-Nov-2009 11:27 pm - BREWHAHAHA
take over the world
So I havnt been writing, busy busy busy! So "this guy Julian" has turned into my boyfriend and its amazing! Although it may be just because its the begining of the relationship, that may die down, but Im soaking in every minuet of it :) Since the first of this month Ive seen him every FREAKING day. Loveing it! We spend a lot of time at his house with his family and going out, and watching movies, and just talking :) Its so great. He keeps me distracted from another guy who fills my mind, i dont think I need to say his name for 100 millinth time. lol
School is going pretty well, Im kinda DONE with this term, Im not liking my classes there all so boring. LUCKLY I am getting my work done and keeping my grades up. What really sucks is the past few months Ive been getting sick more and more, head achs and shit like that. Nothing long term, just crap that lasts a few hours or just a day but it leaves me feeling so crappy and as if i cant move and thats made me miss more school than i like and call into work more than i like too. That brings me to work! The job is easy, the tips are great! Dont like most of the people i work with (which sucks) and their not exactly giving me the best of hours. My forst 2 weeks i was getting great hours. They keep scheduling me for thursday (a day I have school and am not supose to work) and giving me like 3 hour shifts. Thats bs. Id rather work 2 days for 8 hours each to get 16 hours a week than work 4 four hour days for the same amount of hours. I was told I would work the days I have school and Id be getting 25 to 30 hours a week...well thats not happening and its kinda annoying me. Oh well Ill deal, I need the money.
So Im going to mall tomorrow with shondra, Im looking for new boots cause mine are starting to fall apart :( Im willing to pay up 60$ to replace them, which is ok because I wear those boots every day of the year so I get my money out of them...tho thats still a lot of money to spend on shoes. I hope I get lucky and find some that are cheap and are good and what I like and comfy! Ya Im gonna be picky on these damn things. If i dont find them at the mall Im turning to ebay, which may be bad sense i cant try them on over ebay.
Ok I think its bed time!
19th-Nov-2009 10:03 am - Screw NDK Im going to....
take over the world
Screw NDK im going to freaking K-Con!!!!!
HAHAHAHAH! Now how do i tell my mom this? Hmmmm "hey mom you know how you dont really like me going to NDK every year? Well Im not going this year, Im going to K-Con." -me
"oh really? Whats K-con?"-mom
"Well its a dark Hunter convention, ya know the books i love?"-me
"oh that should be fun. When is it?"-mom
"Not sure yet, But its in New Orleans Louisana." *takes off like a bat outa hell*-me
"WHAT!!!!!!"-mom
Oh that should be a fun conversation. A weekend of being in louisana surrounded by other dark hunter freaks and Sherylion Kenyon fans! OMG THATS GONNA BE AWSOME! I dont even care if i have to go alone, going will be worth it! Its going on in new orleans cause thats the main setting of the books. Its held in October, OMG a year away but Im Uber excited about its fucken amazing! I already know who im gonna dress up as. Day one-Amanda or Tabitha Devereaux. Day 2- Simi/Xiamara Parthenopaeus. And day 3- Dangeruese St. Richard. Though the last one (day3) may change. OMG SO EXCITED
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